Just Get it Over With

There should be a limit on how many Coke Studio derbies are allowed in a six-month period

Here we are again. A Sunday, no, an India vs Pakistan Sunday. Third straight weekend. In the last week alone, I’ve written around 4,500 words on these two teams - their history, culture, the rivalry, and the absolute sewer-garbage discourse swirling around them lately. One essay is here, published this time last week. The other found space on today’s edition of The Times of India. It’s always cool to feature on print, so, much gratitude to their editorial team for carrying this.

Picture courtesy Rohan Banerjee

I think 4500 words is about 4400 too many for this game. Especially because of how it’s been dressed, the things done on the pitch, outside it. On both sides of the border, the conversation - always tense, edgy - has just turned feral. For example, this is the managing editor of the most popular Hindi news channel in India, a man with nearly three decades of experience covering sport.

He’s quite proud of it actually.

Tonight’s final will be screened at more than 100 PVR INOX halls across the country. So much for the Pahalgam and boycott talk. So much for asking ex-cricketers to start throwing punches at their ex-rivals. So much for, “cricket and conflict can’t exist together.” Hilarious.

Actually, I’m totally behind the move, you know? If you’re going to perform your patriotism on social media anyway, why not do it from a plush recliner, with a tub of caramel popcorn on your lap and “Mauka Mauka“ playing on a Dolby sound system? Gather your friends, make a weekend evening out of it, knock yourself out. You can always troll Diljit Dosanjh tomorrow. Tonight, it’s “Last summer, I gave you my heart, but the Asia Cup came, and you gave it away. This game, please beat them once more, or lock them in their hotels.”

Sorry, wrong essay. But you get the point.

Speaking of the final, don’t tweet the memes just yet. Finals are weird. Just this year, Crystal Palace beat Manchester City and Newcastle beat Liverpool. In January, 19th seed Madison Keys beat top cookie Aryna Sabalenka for the Australian Open singles title. A final strips off history, blurs context, and lays out the carpet for a winner-takes-all shootout.

Will it be a good watch? Potentially.

India have been peacocking around like millionaires aware of their wealth. They will start the game as overwhelming favourites, perhaps the most favourite a favourite has been in recent memory. Pakistan, on the other hand, have been bumping into a glass door, fighting with their own reflection. But, at a big final, you never know, they might just discover something forgotten. Their talent has never been in question, only their ability to find it when time comes.

If the two teams care to remember what they’re truly playing for, we might get a real game.

But, should you pre-game by listening to people on TV or YouTube discuss the game? Let me get ol’ Clint here for a clear answer.

Oh, and by the way, Clint’s answer is applicable, actually most important, for the days after the game. Because, regardless of who wins, the sewer will inevitably start carrying the nuclear waste of post-glory jingoism.

Honestly, I can’t wait for the match to be over. The background score has been about as jarring as hearing someone scrape metal on 8D headphones. I neither have the patience, nor the time for seeing cricket turn into a real-life manifestation of a Twitter argument. I spend far too much time on Twitter anyway.

The Women’s World Cup starts in two days. India play Sri Lanka in Guwahati. Tickets for most of the games are still available. And if any of you is in Vizag for the Australia game, leave me a text and we can go together to Harmanpreet Kaur, show her footage from the 171, and tell her, in the purest, most docile tone known to humanity, “Khatam kar de inko.”